One of the things I have noticed over the years is how the media, and society in general, like to pigeonhole people. We seem to love sticking people into boxes and putting a label on them. This is definitely the case with introverts. Now I know when you talk about introverts there will be a certain amount of generalisation. You have to generalise if you are talking about a group of people. But not only does society tend to pigeonhole introverts, it also seems to misunderstand them as well.
However, having met quite a number of introverts, particularly over the last few months, one thing that strikes me is our diversity. The stereotypical image of an introvert is that:
- we spend all our time on our own
- we are poor at social interaction
- we are quiet
- we don’t have much to say
- we are slightly nervous and timid.
Whilst a lot of these negative perceptions arise from a confusion of shyness with introversion (they are not the same thing!), there also seems to be an assumption that ALL introverts suffer from these issues.
But if you take a look at the Myers-Briggs test, they have 16 different personality types. They have Introversion or Extroversion as just one aspect of someone’s personality, with three other ways of looking at our own personal mix. Our introversion is just one facet of who we are. Admittedly it is an important part of our makeup, but it’s just one part. For instance, one introvert might be very intuitive and like to make their decisions based on their gut feeling. Whereas another might consider themselves much more practical, and would want to get a good sense of the facts before coming to a conclusion. One introvert might like talking about their feelings. Whereas another introvert might find that idea unbearable and would want to keep their feelings distinctly private.
Plus we are all on a sliding scale of Introversion and Extroversion. You can have ambiverts in the middle, who are equally introverted and extroverted, all the way across to people who are extremely introverted or extroverted. The impact of someone’s introverted side on an ambivert, as compared to someone who is incredibly introverted, might be much less. For example, the effects from being around people for a long period of time, on their energy levels and stimulation levels, might differ to a large degree.
So I get a bit wary when I hear all these assumptions about how introverts must be x and how they must behave like y. I see introversion as a useful starting point for asking who someone is. It gives some background information on what their preferences are. It can also help with people’s self-acceptance. With so many negative, and frankly misleading perceptions being bandied around about introverts, an actual understanding of why we behave the way we do can be invaluable in accepting who we are.
We are not anti-social. It’s just sometimes, being around people for prolonged periods of time, can be exhausting for us. We’re not short of opinions. But we like time to think through the points we want to make and how we’re going to make them. We’re not timid. It’s just we like to give a considered opinion, after listening to both sides of the story.
So whilst I am an introvert myself and work with introverts, I certainly see a variety in the people I meet. It’s for us to understand our unique personalities. And to appreciate the uniqueness in others.
Alistair Miller is a Career Coach at Introvert At Work who specialises in helping Introverts with their work related issues. He has been coaching for 6 years and intends to use his coaching to bring greater understanding and acceptance of the Introverted style of working.
You make a really good point — one that it’s easy to overlook. Sometimes when I write on my blog, I feel like I’m putting all introverts in one pile. As you say, it’s a reaction to so much of the negative perceptions of introverts. I try to change those negative perceptions — which means I tend to think of introverts as a group.
We are all unique — introvert or extrovert. It’s good to remember that!
I find it terribly easy even to unconsciously try to box myself into a corner that way. I think I’m in the middle of the introvert side of the scale, most definitely introverted but neither ambiverted nor extremely introverted, and I sometimes find myself justifying some of my preferences to myself when I read introvert blogs. Saying, “Yes, I’m still an introvert even though I love *this* and all introverts hate it!” And then realizing that I’m letting a barrier be placed around what introverts can like and not like.
Yes, I am wary of being pigeon-holed by others because of this label. I have had a lifetime of assumptions made about my personality and character without being named as an ‘introvert’. Assumptions of being withdrawn and reserved. Discovering that I fall into a named category brings with a it a certain sweet relief, like finally finding a place in the world where I belong. Yet eager as I am to explore this in my blog, I am conscious that I need to be careful not to imply that the label of ‘introvert’ is the beginning or end of any one individual. My desire is that people understood that some of my quiet traits are natural and energising to me, as opposed to being demonstrations of unsociableness or eccentricity!
You make a great point Alistair!
Especially when one blogs for introverts, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of putting ourselves in a box and separating us from others, that is extroverts.
What I do is remind myself what Carl Jung said. (I’m paraphrasing.)
No one can be wholly introvert or extrovert. Anyone who is would belong in a lunatic asylum.
It is best to remember that we can go back and forth the spectrum.
Yes, we are pigeon-holed and, I think, very misunderstood, especially in the ‘Extrovert Ideal’ world as Susan Cain puts it. Besides the negative comments or assumptions highlighted in the piece, I can tell you from personal experience that some extroverts think we are ‘damaged’. My ex-wife used my introverted nature as a weapon to beat me and to end our marriage, and even suggested that I am on the autism spectrum; something she’d done with her own sister and father, just because they were/are different to her!
No one wants to be put in a box. Everyone knows that there’s much more to them than what others think.
But I also see some positive sides to being labeled an introvert.
When people label you as an introvert, at least they’ll understand you better when, let’s say, you turn down a party invitation. I’d prefer to have a friend think I’m turning his invitation down because of my introverted tendencies, rather than him drawing the conclusion that I don’t want to spend time with him.
Plus, when others have labeled you in their minds, you can shock them by doing something that isn’t expected of you.
It’s getting better. Susan Cain’s book “Quiet” and TED Talk have raised consciousness for both Introverts and Extraverts alike. Laurie Helgoe’s book, “Introvert Power” has been revised and updated for a new edition. There are more blogs like this, Facebook sites, etc. More introverts are understanding that they aren’t “broken” and there’s nothing to fix (and they’re telling their friends and family and co-workers.
[...] post was inspired by Alistair Miller’s guest post at the Introvert Retreat. This entry was posted in Challenges, Introversion, Introvert Guilt, [...]