Author Archive for Guest – Page 2

What This Introvert Asks Herself Every Day

by Guest
August 8th, 2017

social anxiety

I’m sitting in a chair in my kindergarten class with my head in my hands, sobbing my little heart out. My class-mates are all around me with their heads tilted back with laughter.

This is my first memory, growing up, and it is the start of my years of bullying. It is also the point I noticed my social anxiety, not to mention the shyness I still deal with.

Being the victim of bullying for as long as I have, the effects of it are still prevalent in my personality. I’m the quiet type that rarely speaks up in class or even at my job in customer service.

How do you deal with social anxiety when it’s such a big part of your life for so long? Do you push it under the rug or do you do something about it?

Why can’t you be like other people who are happy to talk to people about mundane things? When we’re called on in class, why is our first reaction to become freaked out?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself during my journey of social anxiety. These are questions I know I may never get an answer to but I ask them in my mind anyway.

1. How do you deal with social anxiety when it’s such a big part of your life?

For me, social anxiety has been a part of my life since I was a young woman. I remember my father telling me about his own dealings with it as a child.

Recalling those conversations years later made me realize I have the same condition. He had told them to me as a young woman but I forgot about the conversation until I was a junior in high school.

By then, I had been dealing with the anxiety for a couple years. It came to life when I was first learning how to drive as a sophomore in high school.

I’ll never forget the stress of high school, nor the diagnosis of my anxiety disorder years later. It was after college that I got diagnosed but it stuck with me.

2. Do you push it under the rug or do you do something about it?

For me, the answer is rather obvious: do something about it. It took me years to do that but I put my foot down after those years. I couldn’t stand living with the anxiety any longer so I took action.

I now have a therapist I enjoy speaking to on a monthly basis. I also have medication for the first time in three years that hasn’t made me have adverse side-effects.

That was my one goal in all this: to find the middle ground I’ve heard so many stories about. It shouldn’t have taken this long but I took the road I needed to take.

3. Why can’t you be like extroverted people?

This question always baffles me, especially if it comes from other people. I’ve heard people ask me this quite often if I’m being especially quiet over a period of time.

It doesn’t particularly bother me but it does bring up a valuable discussion between us. We aren’t all wired the same. Some people prefer to be talkative while others don’t like to speak as much.

It’s alright to have days where you don’t text anyone, let alone call them on the phone. Extroverts might not realize how much anxiety it causes if the extrovert calls them.

This is especially true for me since I grew up in customer service. I had to answer the telephone for my parents’ small business, which exhausted me on a mental level.

I was never good at speaking to people over a telephone, let alone face-to-face. So the thought of answering a telephone for a living is a thought full of dread.

4. Why is my first reaction to stutter when I’m called on about something?

I can remember those times in class when I wasn’t paying attention and I’m called on by the teacher. He or she asks a question of me and I’ve heard half of it at most.

I don’t know the answer to the question and it’s killing me as I stall for time to answer it. I’m stuttering something unintelligible while I’m blushing like crazy.

I couldn’t be more embarrassed, especially when I ask the teacher to repeat the question. I realize I’ve stalled too long, which means the teacher must know it too. Why else am I getting that nasty face?

It brings the worst kind of shame to the anxious person if you’re calling them out for being so quiet. Chances are, you’re interrupting some sort of thought process.

We probably heard you the first time but we’re thinking about a way to answer you. Don’t make it worse by embarrassing us. I’m begging you!

The introvert may have heard you the first time but they’re thinking about a way to answer you. Don’t make it worse by embarrassing them. I’m begging you!

Lisa Fourman
Lisa Fourman is a freelance writer in the mental health niche and the founder of Mystique MGMT. She plans to use her brand as a vessel to make mental illness less of a taboo subject at the dinner table. You can visit her website at http://lisafourman.com.

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Seek and You Will Find (A Wife)

by Guest
July 24th, 2017

happy couple

A few years ago, I felt as though I’d never get married. I assumed my future wife and I would meet as we were going about our business. But no such meeting ever took place.

Then, I read something that radically changed my perspective:

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). That word find jumped out at me.

There are usually two ways you find something:

  1. You stumble upon it like you would a five dollar bill that’s laying on a sidewalk.
  2. You search for it like you search for your keys when you’re trying to leave for work.

While both are legitimate ways to find something, I couldn’t help but wonder if the second was the way I needed to approach marriage. Maybe I wasn’t finding a wife because I expected to randomly bump into her on the sidewalk when I should be actively looking for her.

Taking Action

A changed man, I did the first thing I could think of: I made a list. Since I make lists for everything else in life that I’m serious about, why not make a list of admirable girls?

Next, I picked up my phone and started calling. It was, at first, nerve-racking. I feared being rejected. But I’d also gotten to the point where I was more sick of waiting around than I was worried about whether or not a girl would reject me.

Ultimately, my list never produced – at least not in the way that I’d expected it to. All the ladies turned me down: “Oh, that’s so nice of you to ask… Actually, I’m busy that night (and every other night you want to hang out).”

Admittedly, I felt a bit discouraged. But I had gained invaluable knowledge: I learned where the dead ends were and, thus, stopped wondering and daydreaming about potential relationships. I, instead, reinvested my energies where I figured they’d yield the best results. What I learned was worth the effort.

The Payoff

But how did the list help?

Though it hadn’t produced a wife, my list was developing my character. Every time I called a girl, I strengthened my courage muscles. Active searching also prepared me for opportunities that weren’t even on my radar when I started out.

Unbeknownst to me, my dad had caught wind of an awesome girl. (Some friends from church had told him about her.) A few months earlier, I would have chickened out of meeting her. Now, however, I was a somewhat primed and willing to take a risk.

We eventually met, and, after about 15 months, got married.

My story boils down to a few gold nuggets.

Key Principles

1. Take action.

As an intuitive introvert, I tend to spend more time dreaming about the future than I spend taking action. I think, act, and then think, unlike extroverts who act, think, and then act. What I needed most was to “get out there” and do something. No amount of thinking alone could have changed my circumstances.

2. Get the car moving.

I’m an idealist. I want to know that the end will turn out picture perfect from the beginning. But that’s just not reality. Life is usually a series of pivots and course corrections on the road to a destination. It’s almost never a straight line. If you want to arrive at a destination – in this case, marriage – you have to get the car rolling, says author Jeff Goins. Then, and only then, you’ll be able to steer and course correct as necessary.

3. Don’t let negative feedback weigh you down.

Don’t let fear of rejection keep you from asking girls out. A “no” is as helpful as a “yes”. The sooner you find out who’s interested, the sooner you’ll be able to get to know her. Have an abundance mindset and remind yourself, as Michael Hyatt does, “There’s more where that came from.”

4. Opportunities will open up.

Our neighbor drives a Scion xB. I’d never seen that car before. However, now that I’m aware of it, I see it everywhere. The crazy thing about action is that it opens up opportunities. As soon as you make up your mind to go for a goal, you start seeing possibilities that you’ve never seen before, like seeing a new model of car that you’ve just become aware of. Your unconscious mind, and all your mental resources, work together on your behalf.

5. Network.

I’d likely still be single if it wasn’t for my dad and his friends. I knew a limited amount of girls. So, no matter how hard and long I worked to connect with them, my efforts could only go so far. But Dad’s friends new people I didn’t. And, in turn, their friends new still others. When my dad networked, he multiplied my chances for success.

If you want to get married, you need to take action.

What’s keeps you on the sidelines?

Bo Miller
Bo Miller is an introvert blogger, podcaster, and teacher, who’s also a certified Myers-Briggs practitioner. He blogs at I Speak People.

Bo has taught for 7 years and holds a Masters of Arts in Education.

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A job interview toolkit for introverts

by Guest
January 30th, 2017

If you consider yourself to be an introvert, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that the job interview process is designed to make you fail. An introvert processes their experiences internally: rather than bouncing ideas and responses off the people around you, you probably prefer to quietly contemplate new information by yourself and to respond to it in your own good time. It doesn’t sound ideal when you’re up against an interview panel, does it? Well, good news: being an introvert, you have plenty of other positive traits with which you can balance your approach to the process.

For example, as an introvert you are likely better at connecting with individuals than with groups. Because a panel is usually only a small ‘group’ of two or three people, you can demonstrate your engagement and your personal skills by making a connection with each of them individually, rather than playing to the crowd. You can already see how this may be more impressive than the extrovert approach of treating the panel as a multi-headed monster!

The good people at CashNetUSA have identified a whole toolkit of such approaches to help introverted candidates make the most of their special powers when they’re most needed. Check it out ahead of your next interview, and you’re sure to turn up primed to wow your potential new boss.

Introverts Guide to Job Interviews

About the author: Marilyn Vinch

Marilyn is London-based freelance writer who enjoys writing (and reading!) about the challenges small businesses face, human resources, leadership, personal growth, and working smarter. She is a digital nomad who loves travelling and immersing herself in different cultures. Follow her on Twitter: @mary_vinch

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Alternatives to Bragging for Introverts

by Guest
December 17th, 2016

womanWhether it concerns getting ahead on the job or attracting clients, most people associate marketing oneself with bragging. On the surface, this makes perfect sense. How else could you call attention to your virtues, talents and capabilities than by talking them up in a prideful way?

This seemingly obvious point gets introverts in particular into a mental tangle. We want recognition and rewards. But this appears to require self-promotional behavior that doesn’t fit our reserved personality. Introverts are never the ones who raise our arms and voices around strangers, proclaiming “Look at me!” or “Aren’t I the greatest?”

As a marketing consultant who regularly helps quiet, competent experts explain what they have to offer, let me describe several ways to undo this mental knot. You can help others appreciate your intelligence, deftness, creativity, years of experience or other superior qualities without being obnoxious or self-important. Try some or all of these techniques.

Let others do the talking

When someone who isn’t related to you praises you, it’s highly credible in most cases. And while it may cause you to blush, that’s not bragging. Introverts in business usually can bring themselves to ask for and use testimonials and endorsements. One way to pose the request: “I’m revising my website [or bio], and I wonder if you would write a few sentences about what it’s like to work with me [or about the results you’ve gotten from working with me]. Thanks!”

In conversation, you can take the boastfulness out of anything complementary you might say about yourself by putting it in terms of “People say that I…” Some people I know sidestep bragging by networking in pairs, with each one introducing the other when they meet new people. Claudia enjoys expressing her admiration of Robert in that setting, and vice versa.

Use the third person

In writing, you get some psychological distance from discussing your accomplishments when you talk about “he” or “she” rather than “I.” Many introverts find it easier to compose a strong, persuasive bio if they write as if it’s about someone they know well, not quite themselves.

I don’t recommend using this technique in conversation, however. You’ll seem stuffy, imperial or downright bonkers if you talk about yourself by your name.

Highlight facts and credentials

You may have heard the saying, “If it’s true, saying so isn’t bragging.” Introverts will feel more comfortable sharing items of information that are incontrovertible facts, such as degrees earned, awards won, firsts achieved, years in the field and so on. These contrast with subjective claims like “best at knitting” or “most knowledgeable accountant.”

accomplishment

Show, don’t tell

Sometimes you can keep quiet and let a demonstration do the talking. I will never forget an eight-minute video I watched of a business coach uncovering a lifelong issue a client hadn’t realized about herself and pointing the way toward the client resolving it. “What incredible skill that coach has,” I thought.

Besides videos, demonstrations can take the form of written case studies or articles.

Create a context that is larger than yourself

Frame your achievements as the success of a cause, if that applies, rather than a halo for you as an individual. For example, “For more than 15 years, I’ve worked hard to make sure that children in my community have enough to eat.” Or, “My third novel helped people understand the social, psychological and familial impact of long-term unemployment.”

Be visible

People assume that the one who shows up repeatedly is the one who knows their stuff. If you are the one who answers questions knowledgeably on forums or discussion lists or at company strategy sessions, folks take note. The same principle applies if you lead committees, do media interviews, put together position papers or spearhead a community change project.

Once someone who called me up to hire me as a consultant explained, “I heard about you twice in one day, from different people, so I knew you were the one I needed to work with.”

Change your mindset

Often introverts freak out at the prospect of promoting themselves because they assume it requires them to turn into a gasbag, a loudmouth or an egomaniac. Think of it instead as simply providing information that enables others to make up their minds about you. By following the methods above, you can do this both inoffensively and in a way that enables you to receive your fair share of society’s rewards.

Marcia YudkinSince 2010, veteran marketer and author Marcia Yudkin has focused on advocating for introverts, explaining how to promote oneself without hype, manipulation, name-dropping or braggadocio. She is the author of 6 Steps to Free Publicity, Persuading People to Buy and numerous other books, as well as the ebook, audiobook and online course “Marketing for Introverts.”

Marcia’s No-Hype Marketing Academy: http://courses.yudkin.com/
Twitter: @marciasmantras
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/marciayudkin
Website: http://www.yudkin.com

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8 Pro Tips for Introverts

by Guest
November 23rd, 2016
introvert alone time

Photo © Theodor38 | Dreamstime Stock Photos

If you search the Internet on how to deal with living as an introvert, you will quickly find millions upon millions of results with some great (and some bad) tips. While dealing as being an introvert can be hard and stressful, it doesn’t have to be if you’re willing to apply a few pro tips I’ve used in the past. Using these tips will allow you to help better understand yourself and even enjoy life a bit more.

#1 Understand your brain chemistry

To make things short, studies have shown introverts are sensitive to dopamine, and when we get too much, we tend to feel a bit overstimulated. The most dominant pathway will be acetylcholine, the part of us which affects our learning and attention; it can also help us sustain a calm and alert feeling. Extroverts, on the other hand, have a lower sensitivity to dopamine and won’t get enough unless they get help from their adrenaline system. The lesson here is to understand your brain chemistry and know what’s causing you to be you. I could go on and on, but like school, take the time to educate yourself about your situation because it will make you feel a lot better – trust me.

#2 Recharge the right way

Introverts will need a quiet space to recharge their brains and comprehend all the events they saw for the day. You may read that some say to recharge in a stimulated environment, but this, as you know, probably won’t help much. Don’t force yourself into a situation where you feel uncomfortable; instead, pick a place that’s comfortable for you.

#3 Lose the negative meaning

Look up the word “introvert” and what you do see? For example, if I Google it, I see “A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.” We all know this isn’t true. Try to lose this negative association, and again, follow the first pro tip – know it’s in your brain chemistry. Don’t let a definition define you. You are who you are.

#4 Educate yourself

I highly recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. She does a wonderful job explaining how your brain chemistry works and will do a lot better than job than I can do in a few hundred words. By educating yourself, you learn more about what it means being an introvert and how your body works. Also, there are a lot of tips, information and advice you can apply in life. Again, educating yourself is a very powerful thing to do.

#5 Schedule downtime in your life

It’s okay to have downtime in your life where you do absolutely nothing. Each week, try to create a schedule where you will be able to do just this. On this day, you can do anything from sleeping in bed all day or reading a book. Remember, this is just a day to unwind, helping restore your natural energy. If people don’t understand it, let them know this is a way to help you feel great again.

#6 Noise-cancelling headphones

Need I say more? If you don’t have a great pair, I would suggest buying a set. This is a great way to drown out the sounds around you, no matter where you may be.

#7 Know when to break

Yes, parties and noisy events aren’t your thing – that’s fine. While most can handle these situations for a limited time, you will want to make sure you know where your quiet place is no matter where you’re going. For example, if you’re at a sporting event, is there a lobby or quiet eating area nearby? If you know where these places are ahead of time, it will make it easier for you to escape for a bit.

#8 Don’t apologize

Lastly, don’t feel as if you have to explain your situation every time you’re out – most people won’t get it or listen anyways. If you feel you want to leave something, just do it; no one is stopping you. You never have to feel as if you have to explain or apologize because doing so will just make the situation worse.

Stephanie Lynch
Stephanie Lynch is an introvert who has converted her lifestyle to work from home, giving her the opportunity to work in peace and enjoy the finer things in life. You can check out her project here.

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4 Myths About Introverts

by Guest
November 14th, 2016

People often think of introverts as socially awkward people who tend to stay by themselves and avoid other people. While people may not think of an introvert as being an extremely happy or friendly person, they are probably assumed to be smarter and more creative than extroverts. Despite its frequency among people, introversion is one of the most misunderstood personality traits. Here are some debunked myths about introverts.

1) All introverts are shy.

Shyness may be confused with introversion, but they are very different from each other. While introversion is defined as gaining energy by spending time alone, shyness refers to a discomfort and sense of anxiety in social situations. Introverts are commonly confident around people, but just require more solitude to create a balance in their energy.

shy

Certainly some introverts are shy, but not a disproportionately high percentage. Conversely, some extroverts may lack confidence or display a shy personality, making it difficult for them to seek the interaction they so desperately need.

2) Introverts do not like people.

friends

Although introverts enjoy solitude, that does not mean they are antisocial. They simply enjoy social interaction differently than extroverts. Many introverts enjoy the company of other people, but they usually look for quality over quantity when it comes to relationships, choosing a small circle of intimate friends.

3) Introverts are negative.

Introverts are often thought of as being negative or depressed, due to their attraction to being alone. This myth may come from the fact that in contrast, extroverts gain energy from social interaction, and may become sad when they are alone.

alone

Alternatively, many introverts don’t associate solitude with loneliness. However, although introverts are not necessarily more likely to be depressed, they do spend more time analyzing situations, which may lead to rumination, and possibly depression. Psychology Today has this article on social thresholds and how introverts and extroverts respond to excess of opposite energy stimuli.

4) It is easy to spot an introvert.

Many introverts love talking to people, but they also look forward to restoring their energy by being alone. Because our culture rewards extroverted personality traits, introverts often behave like an extrovert when in social situations.

It is important to remember that some introverts enjoy people and socializing. While this may be done in a different way than extroverts, don’t assume your introverted friends don’t want to be included. If you are an introvert, you may be used to feeling like you are misunderstood by other people and having your tendencies misinterpreted for rudeness or shyness. Additionally, if you are an extrovert, you probably have a few misconceptions about people who tend to be more quiet.

Rachael Murphey is an entrepreneur in Denver CO and a writer on social science, family finance, and leadership. She has written for HostReview.com, Spider Vein Removal Austin, Doable Finance, and HR.com.

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Why Introverts Make Great Leaders

by Guest
September 14th, 2016

quiet leadershipThe words “introvert” and “leader” do not often go hand-in-hand. If you were to look at any online personality test or profile, it almost always suggests that the leader position is reserved for the extrovert. However, this assumption is not supported by historical facts or with any real evidence in general.

The truth is that introverts can make excellent leaders in their career of choice. Of course, they have their own obstacles to overcome that are unique to their situation and personality, but overcoming such obstacles actually strengthens their leadership skills. Here are a few of the key reasons why introverts can make such great leaders.

Thought Precedes Action

A leader must constantly make important decisions. Decisions that affect not only themselves, but their followers, team members, and company. Extroverts do think before making decisions, but rarely with the same degree of determination as an introvert.

An introvert feels most at home in solitary thought. Thus, they excel when it comes to the decision-making process. They will take the time needed to consider a decision deeply and all of the possible outcomes of their action. Only after taking the time to think will they take action, which is why their actions often prove beneficial for their team and company.

Leaders That Can Follow

Most people assume that introverts take the position of follower while extroverts take the role of leader. To a small degree, that is true. Introverts almost always have the capacity to be a follower, but that does not mean they should not be in the lead. A great leader must also be a great follower.

Introverts understand the position and mindset of their followers or team members. This allows them to show empathy. This empathy also allows them to step back for a moment and give their team members a chance to lead.

Letting team members lead, allows for new and unique ideas. It also helps strengthen the leadership skills of the team members. After all, some of them may be leaders in the future.

An Introvert Knows How To Listen

A great leader needs to have the ability to listen intently. This means listening to followers, team members, customers, and even leaders that are above them in the company. A leader must be able to take in all of this information and create solutions that appeal to as many people as possible.

Introverts are hardwired to listen more often than speak. They then use everything they have heard during their decision-making process. This leads to results that please multiple parties rather than just one or the other.

Finally, they also have the ability to engage in deep and meaningful conversations thanks to this listening capability. By doing so they are able to identify problems that were not originally on the surface, thus improving the decision-making process significantly.

Introverts are no less capable of being great leaders than extroverts. As a matter of fact, their unique personality traits make them ideal leaders. They are great listeners, empathetic towards their team members and take the time to think carefully before making decisions.

Andrea TaylorAndrea Taylor is the Coaching Support Director at http://www.lifecoachhub.com a site that networks life coaches with individuals looking to make improvements in their own personal and professional lives. The site provides useful information, advice and tips about life coaching, as well as providing a platform where coaches can network, start or continue to develop their own business.

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Why Introverts Make Great Public Speakers

by Guest
August 14th, 2016
Janet Barclay speaking at POC Conference 2015

Janet Barclay

If you were to list out the characteristics that most of us believe that a really good speaker must have in order to communicate the importance of public speaking, what would be on your list? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that I would have on my list that they would need to be an extrovert – an outgoing person who is always giving off lots of energy. You need this in order to connect with your audience, right? I’d be wrong. It turns out that introverts, those people who are more inwardly focused and less outwardly focused, can make really great speakers. Let’s find out why…

The Ability To Listen

In this context I sorta hate to admit this, but I believe that I am most defiantly an extrovert. What this means is that I really like to talk. Sometimes this is not a good thing – I tend to talk over people and don’t take enough time to listen to what they have to say. Introverts have a special skill – they happen to be very good listeners.

What this means is that when they are preparing to give a speech, they can use their listening skills to create a better speech. As they gather the information that they’ll need to create their speech, introverts take the time to listen to differences in opinion. This allows them to find the best solution, even if it turns out to be one that they didn’t suggest themselves.

For an introvert, it’s not all about listening. Instead, listening is where it starts. Once they’ve heard what someone has to say, an introvert will take this information and analyze it. They’ll consider all of the facts as they process what they’ve been told. The end result of this will be a well-thought out set of ideas that can be worked into their next speech.

Good At Sharing Both Ideas And Successes

Introverts are also very good at sharing both success and praise and this allows the audience to feel like they have been included in the speech. It’s not all about the speaker and this is what opens the door for the audience to feel as though the speaker is revealing things that they have learned to them instead of telling them things that they should already know.

What makes introverts especially good at collecting the information that they’ll need is that they don’t often feel threatened. They don’t feel threatened if their ideas are not the ones that the group decides to use and they are not threatened by high performers who may take up a lot of the conversation.

Introverts are able to move beyond themselves and instead focus on the issue that they’ll be building their speech around. Introverts are able to spend their time thinking about what their audience wants to accomplish. They don’t get hung up on the process that is going to be required in order to get there.

Willing To Take The Time Needed To Think

All too often we can find ourselves rushed to reach conclusions. These are the conclusions that then find their way into our speech that we then share with our audience. Introvert speakers don’t have this problem. They take their time and they think about what is going to go into their speech.

All too often, when we are collecting information for a speech we can be swayed by the person that we talk to who dominates a group discussion. An introvert has the ability to overcome this issue. They’ll take what they’ve heard and then they’ll take the time to sift through all of it in order to find out what it really means.

Introverts need an opportunity to go to a quiet place where they can ponder what they have been told. This allows them to both create solutions out of the information that they have gathered and to recharge themselves. It’s this kind of internal balance that will allow a great speech to be created.

What All Of This Means For You

Public speaking is the process of one person opening up and sharing their speech with an audience. We view this process as being the very definition of being an extrovert and so we assume that only extroverts would be any good at sharing the benefits of public speaking. However, it turns out that introverts have a number of key characteristics that make them very good at giving speeches.

Introverts possess the ability to do a good job of listening. Because introverts take the time to both listen and then think about what they’ve heard, the speeches that they deliver often talk directly to the issues that the audience is dealing with. When creating a speech, the introverted speaker collects ideas and successes from those around him or her. This means that their speech is about the issue and not them. Finally, creating a great speech takes time. Extroverts spend a lot of time thinking about how they’ll deliver the speech. Introverts spend their time thinking about what they’ll deliver.

In this world, it takes all types of people in order to give good speeches. Extroverts are often passed over when picking someone to give a speech. Perhaps we should not do this. Introverts have the ability to create a unique type of speech that can really connect with an audience.

About the Author

Dr. Jim Anderson
“America’s #1 Unforgettable Business Communication Skills Coach”
http://www.blueelephantconsulting.com
Your Source For Real World Public Speaking Skills™

Dr. Jim Anderson Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9131124Do you give speeches today, but want to learn how be more effective? Dr. Jim Anderson believes that great business skills are no substitute for poor presentation skills. Dr. Anderson will share with you the knowledge that he has gained while working to improve the speaking ability of both individuals and teams of speakers for over 20 years. Learn the secrets of effective speakers and really connect with your audience during your next speech.

If you want to follow Dr. Anderson on Twitter, he can be found at: http://twitter.com/drjimanderson

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9131124

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Career Management: Top 10 Networking Conversation Starters for Introverts

by Guest
January 26th, 2016

Among the challenges associated with networking is the simple act of how you start-up a conversation with a stranger. Add to that challenge the fact that you might be slightly introverted where pointless conversations are like staring into the black void. Nothing comes to mind. You don’t have a relationship, no common ground, you aren’t yet even sharing a common experience – so how to you do strike up a conversation?

conversation

Here are 10 conversation starters that have worked for me:

  1. If you are at a party: “How do you know Bob?” This one is great. It acknowledges that you both know the same person and allows them to talk about themselves. From the story you are told, you will have a gold mine of other threads to follow. Asking questions shows interest.
  2. If you are at a professional group: “Are you a member?” If they are, you can ask them about activities the group has had or how long they have been a member. If they aren’t, ask them what brought them to the group meeting.
  3. If there is a speaker: Introduce yourself to them. People tend to ignore the speaker, especially before they speak. Read up on their topic so you can ask them about the topic or their profession. They appreciate getting to know the crowd they are speaking to.
  4. If you’re at any meeting: Find the person in charge and introduce yourself. Be mindful that they may be busy organizing things, so you shouldn’t linger unless they signal otherwise. Make sure you let them know why you are attending their meeting.
  5. If you’ve been to the meeting before, ask to volunteer for a task, like signing people in. Introduce yourself to the people you are coming into contact with- Indicate you’re new and would like to get acquainted. Follow up later by using their name and asking them about their participation.
  6. Anywhere you are, consider saying: “I couldn’t help but notice your (fill in the blank- handbag, coat). I really like that style.” Then introduce yourself and ask them about what you’re both participating in.
  7. Anywhere you are: “Hi, I’m ________. What line of work do you do?” Once they have answered that, good follow-up questions are: How long have you been doing that work? How do you like it?
  8. If you’re at an event where there are booths or similar: Introduce yourself and ask them to tell you about their business or group they are representing. You want to ensure you share information about yourself so they have it for future reference.
  9. If you’re a regular at a place like a gym or church – look for new faces: Introduce yourself and ask them if they are new. If they are new, tell them about your involvement and ask what might interest them. If they aren’t new, but you just never crossed paths, find out what has changed in order for you to now be participating at the same time.
  10. If attending any event and you see someone you know speaking with someone you don’t know: Walk up to them, wait for a break or acknowledgement. Say Hi to your acquaintance and ask them to introduce you to the unknown person or be ready to introduce yourself. A logical next question is to ask about how they got to know each other.

To create a greater sense of comfort when going to any gathering of people, think through the various scenarios you are likely to run into and how best to handle them. You don’t have to “work a room” and try to meet everyone. I pick a goal of meeting 3 people per event and having high quality, fairly in-depth conversations with them. For people who are uncomfortable with these types of situations, narrowing your focus, making a goal and knowing how to get started can turn dread into enjoyment.

Bottomline: I want to help you accelerate your career – to achieve what you want by connecting you with your Free Instant Access to 5 Video series The 5 Most Common Ways Introverts Commit Career Self-Sabotage and How to Avoid Them. Unique and practical advice you can start using today. Go here to get them: http://www.introvertwhisperer.com/careergoals

Brought to you by Dorothy Tannahill Moran dedicated to help you unleash your professional potential http://www.introvertwhisperer.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dorothy_Tannahill-Moran

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How to be confident when talking to women

by Guest
January 5th, 2016

An introvert can gain confidence when talking to women

Imagine this.

You’re looking at the girl of your dreams. Maybe it’s that cute girl in your class. Maybe it’s that beauty in the bar. Slowly, you begin to make your way over to her. She turns to look at you. Your palms begin to get a little sweaty and you start to feel knots in your stomach.

Your thoughts begin to race…you suddenly remember how you got rejected the last time you tried asking a girl out…your mind beings to imagine all the ways that it could go wrong…“What if she already has a boyfriend? What if she says no? I’m completely inexperienced. What if I make it weird or awkward?”

Yesterday, this might have been enough to psyche you out of talking to her.

But not today! You calmly brush those thoughts aside and keep your confidence as you start chatting her up.

As an introvert, I struggled a lot with confidence when talking to girls and I’m excited to share with you how I learned to be confident.

Why the traditional advice we get about confidence sometimes fails us

What’s the usual advice that we hear about confidence? Typically, we often hear things such as: “Fake it until you make it”, “Think positive”, and “You can do it!” in self-help books and other media. And for a little while, we do feel more confident. When we’re reading positive statements or listening to that Shia Labeouf video where he yells “Do it! Yes you can! Nothing is impossible! Make your dreams come true!” from the safety of our own bedrooms, we can easily psyche ourselves into feeling more confident. We can get ourselves all hyped up and tell ourselves “This time I’m going to do it!!” when there’s still nothing at stake. However, once the moment of truth arrives and we actually try to talk to her then all those feelings of confidence vanish as quickly as they came.

As it turns out, this was some of the worst advice we could have received.

A 2009 study by Joanna V. Wood and John W. Lee showed what happened after a group of participants repeated self-affirmative phrases such as “I am a loveable person”, “I will succeed”, and “I accept myself completely.” Common sense suggests that everyone would feel better after saying such positive statements to themselves, right? And indeed, the participants with high self-esteem felt slightly better. However, the participants with lower self-esteem felt even worse!

What’s going on? When the participants with low self-esteem told themselves that they are loveable people, their minds snapped back at them with stories such as “No you’re not!” As the authors concluded, “Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people (such as individuals with high self-esteem) but backfire for the very people who need them the most.”

So, what are we supposed to do?

The Power of Negative Thoughts

Well, here’s the kicker. In a follow up study to the 2009 one, the psychologists allowed the participants to list negative self-thoughts along with positive self-thoughts. They found that the low self-esteem participants’ moods actually improved when they were allowed to have negative thoughts than when they were asked to focus exclusively on affirmative thoughts!

We often think that it’s bad to have negative thoughts and that we should try to get rid of these by thinking positive. However, this could not be further from the truth. Here’s why.

Today, we enjoy being at the top of the food chain. You can go outside, walk to the supermarket, grab some groceries, and then walk back home. Nothing is going to try and eat you. However, thousands of years ago we shared the world with beasts such as woolly mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, and cave bears. Animals such as these can could flatten you or tear you apart in the blink of an eye, and many of these creatures would love nothing more than to eat you for lunch.

Luckily, Mother Nature was kind enough to give us our own secret weapon against the claws, fangs, and tusks of these beasts: our superior intellect. Our minds were on constant vigil for signs of anything and everything that could eat us, scanning the environment and getting ready to activate our flight-or-flight response at a moment’s notice. That rustle of leaves in the bushes could be a saber tooth tiger ready to pounce. That shadow in the cave could be a hungry bear. That noise roaring over the horizon could be a woolly mammoth charging toward us. As the psychologist Joseph Ciarrochi puts it, our minds operated as “don’t get eaten” machines. And by constantly thinking negatively, our minds kept us alive.

Now, today we face much less threat from beasts that could eat us or stomp us flat. However, evolution hasn’t had enough time to catch up and our minds still operate very much the same way they did before. They still look for the negative, for anything and everything that could go wrong. If you try to fight this by thinking positive, then you’re literally fighting thousands and thousands of years of evolution…a VERY steep uphill battle.

And when we try to talk to women, our minds will still look for everything that could go wrong. We think of things such as “What if she already has a boyfriend? What if she says no? What if I make it weird or awkward?”

How to overcome negative thoughts

To overcome our negative thoughts we can use a process that psychologists call “defusion.” If your negative thoughts are influencing your behavior, then we can think of those as having become “fused” with each other, just like two pieces of metal might be fused together. The goal, then, is to separate them so that your fears and negative thoughts no longer affect you.

In order to defuse from a thought, you need envision it so that your mind realizes that your thought is just that—a thought. Nothing more than words in your head. Now, there are many ways to go about doing this. I’ll show you one of my favorite defusion techniques, originally created by psychologist Steven Hayes.

1. First, try to notice when a thought has “hooked” you or is negatively affecting you. Don’t fight it or try to force it out of your head, but listen to what it is saying. What is it telling you? “She probably already has a boyfriend”, “she’ll think I’m a loser”, “I’m completely inexperienced and I’ve got little self-confidence” etc.

2. Now, repeat that thought to yourself but now say “I’m having the thought that…” inserted before it. So, the thought that “I’m completely inexperienced and I’ve got little self-confidence” becomes “I’m having the thought that I’m completely inexperienced and I’ve got little self-confidence.”

3. Finally, repeat that thought once more but now say “I notice I’m having the thought that…” before it. For example, “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m completely inexperienced and I’ve got little self-confidence.”

By doing this, many people are able to achieve a sense of separation or distance from the thought. Remember that we’re not trying to fight the thought or force it out of our heads. Instead, we’re trying to neutralize its effect on us.

But what if my thoughts are true??

That doesn’t matter as much as you might think. We aren’t so much concerned with whether or not our thoughts are true but rather whether or not they are helpful.

Imagine that we’re in the Ice Age again. You’re on the hunt with two other members of your tribe. The leaves from the bush next to you begin to rustle almost imperceptibly. Suddenly, a four-legged silhouette leaps out and gallops towards one of your friends. He begins to raise his spear in defense, but the beast’s white, curved fangs sink themselves into his neck before he has time to react.

Your other friend hurls his spear, which grazes the beast and causes a red spot to grow on its fur. Unfazed by its injury, the beast darts towards your friend. In one swift motion, it raises its claw and tears through his face. Now, the saber-tooth tiger turns to face you. Its fangs and claws dripping crimson, it begins to look you from head to toe and starts to lick its chops.

What are you thinking in this situation? Perhaps some prehistoric version of “Oh ****!” and “I’m about to get eaten.” Are those thoughts true? Probably. If you let those thoughts influence your behavior, though, then you’d be frozen in fear. Yes, the thought that you’re about to be the tiger’s lunch is probably true. But that thought is not helpful. So, if you were to have any chance to survive then you’d need to put those thoughts on the back burner and either run like heck or fight for all you were worth!

Even though we don’t really have to worry about being eaten today, our minds still present us with many negative thoughts that will easily undermine your behavior if you let them. It might very well be true that “she probably has a boyfriend” or “I’ll make it weird if I talk to her” or “I’m completely inexperienced and have little self-confidence.” But that doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not the thought is helpful. And if it’s not, then we’ll want to defuse from it so that it doesn’t affect our behavior.

When you’re talking to a girl and your self-doubts kick in, you now have a tool to loosen their grip on you. You now have a way to help your mind recognize that your thoughts are merely words in your head and to allow them to bounce around without trying to fight them or letting them influence your behavior. By separating yourself from your negative thoughts, you can exude confidence when talking to her…maybe enough to get her to go out with you.

About the Author

Steven Zawila I have a confession to make: I had an absolute BLAST writing this article because…well…I used to not have any confidence! I had a lot of trouble talking to girls because I lacked confidence, and I felt that I lacked confidence because of how much trouble I had talking to girls. My name is Steven Zawila and I know how frustrating it is because I’ve been there before. So, I’m going to write a lot more on confidence in the coming weeks and I’m totally excited to share it with everyone on my e-mail list. Sign up on my website www.charmingintrovert.com.

Photo: © Voyagerix / DepositPhotos

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