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How to Make Friends as an Adult

by Guest
January 28th, 2020

making friends

As a child and young adult, friendships happened naturally, and seemingly every day. From peewee sports teams to high school extracurriculars to college classes, these bonds formed effortlessly—and in some cases, even stood the tests of time.

As an adult, and especially as an introverted adult, making friends can seem a lot harder—even impossible. Whether you moved to a new city to start your career, have focused on growing your family for years, or just lost touch with your hometown besties, it can seem intimidating to start from scratch and make friends as a grownup.

It can be hard to know where to go, what to say, and what to do in order to cultivate and grow those friendships as an adult. Studies have shown that forming friendships later in life can take up to 90 hours, and becoming “besties” can take twice as long, so it’s important to take that leap of faith and start connecting with people sooner rather than later!

One easy and natural way to make friends, especially if you’re in a new place without many friends, is to start a new hobby or join a class. This way, you’re meeting people with shared interests—meaning you can skip the small talk and get right to forming a deeper connection! Find a hobby you enjoy or are interested in starting, whether it’s hiking, pottery, or a book club, and search your area for local meetups. You’ll learn something new and make friends at the same time!

Another way tailor-made to help introverts to make friends is by utilizing the power of social media. Join local pages, groups, and friend request people in your area to keep up-to-date on any hangouts or meetups in your area. Often the people in local groups are in the same boat and are looking to make friends, so the pressure is off!

No matter how you go about making friends as an adult, remember how important human connection is. Whether you’re a “loner” or just lonely, putting yourself out there is the first (and most important!) step to making friends and connections as a grown-up. Use the visual below to find out even more ways to make friends as an adult, as well as some actionable tips on how to make (and grow!) those friendships.

How to Make Friends as an Adult

Article and Infographic by hellobestow.com
Featured Image by rawpixel.com

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Categories Relationships
Tags : friendship
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Respecting the Space Your Introverted Friend Needs

by Guest
January 15th, 2019

Respecting the Space Your Introverted Friend Needs

Everyone has some introverted tendencies. Everyone likes to spend time alone and away from the constant interactions with others sometimes. For introverts, however, that need is a lot more frequent. If you’re friends with an introvert, it’s important to understand their needs. It’s about respecting the space they need to recharge and understanding that needing that space is not a reflection on you or how much they love you.

One of those boundaries has to do with having a controlled environment that they can escape to if they need to. Another is understanding that for an introvert, parties are not always going to be their thing. They may require more information about your social event in order to prepare. Being friends with an introvert has a lot to do with making some time that works for them — not just for you.

The Importance of a Controlled Environment

There are a lot of misunderstandings about introversion. Introverts aren’t always shy; they aren’t always anxious; they don’t always detest social situations. However, one thing that is true for introverts is that they feel the most comfortable and content in their own space to recharge from the rest of the world. This is why it’s important for them to have some control over their environment. This might mean a door they can close, a car available to leave, or a phone in their pocket when they need an unbothered minute in a social situation.

As a friend of someone who is introverted, it’s important to respect that need for a controlled environment. All that means is allowing them to get away, not bothering them when they need space, and understanding that the pop-in isn’t a great option when you want to see them. All it takes is a little communication and understanding on your part.

Parties Aren’t for Everyone

For an introvert, a party is like an emotional marathon. Even in a room full of their closest friends, an introvert may look at a big social gathering as something that will deplete them for days. There’s a lot of people, a lot of talking, and a lot of emotions tied into a social event of this magnitude. Though many introverts enjoy these social settings, that doesn’t mean it won’t still be draining on them. If they also battle social anxiety, they may worry about the proper etiquette in certain social situations. They may feel anxious about the people they don’t know, the games that they will be expected to play, or the draining small-talk discussions.

In order to respect the space your introverted friend needs, you’ll have to be understanding about the fact that parties aren’t for everyone. Your introverted friend may not want to come, may leave early, or may need you to stick close to them if you bring them into an unknown social circle.

Understand the Need for Information

Your introverted friend flourishes in their own environment. For this reason, a new environment can be stressful. This is why your introverted friend may have a lot of questions for you if they agree to join you in an activity, a social event, or even just a trip to your house. The reason for this is that more information helps them feel comfortable in a new setting. A controlled environment is comforting, so be sure to understand your introverted friend’s need for information. They need times, names of people, a heads-up if you’re going to be late or if any changes are happening, whose name the reservation is under, etc.

Even something as simple as eating at another home can be a source of discomfort for an introvert — especially an introvert who may also have anxiety. They may overthink sitting in the wrong spot or worry about not liking the food. There’s a whole psychology to food that everyone has, but for someone who is introverted, it can be really overwhelming to worry about offending someone or working through the social cues of a dinner party. Give your friend all the information they request, and don’t feel offended if they decide a social interaction will be too much for them.

Making the Right Kind of Time

Being friends with an introvert really means understanding the right kind of space your friend needs. It means understanding that they may not be at your parties or stay long at social functions, but they feel right at home having a movie night or coffee date with just the two of you. It means making the right kind of time for them. Introverts love deep conversations and relationships, not shallow ones. They love using their social time to make meaningful connections as opposed to top-level conversations they’d have at a party or large social event.

Introverts can be social people, but they also need solitude to recharge. This means finding the balance as their friend to give them the space they need while also spending time with them on mutually agreeable terms. Friendship is all about compromise and understanding, and being friends with an introvert is no different in that respect.

Introverts create energy on their own and in their solitude. Being social expends that energy, and being alone allows it to recharge. Extroverts, on the other hand, tend to get energy from the outside world. They expend that energy in their solitude. Being with others and interacting with the world allows them to recharge. Ambiverts do a little of both. If you’re friends with an introvert, it’s important to understand just how depleting the outside world can be for them. Introverts need you to respect the space they need while understanding that the space they need doesn’t mean they don’t adore time with you — it just means they need that time to recharge.


Chelsy RanardChelsy is a writer/blogger from Montana who graduated with her journalism degree in 2012. She is now a freelance writer in the beautiful city of Boise, Idaho. She is an animal lover, an advocate for mental health, and her hair is always a mess. Follow her on Twitter @chelsy5.


 

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Seek and You Will Find (A Wife)

by Guest
July 24th, 2017

happy couple

A few years ago, I felt as though I’d never get married. I assumed my future wife and I would meet as we were going about our business. But no such meeting ever took place.

Then, I read something that radically changed my perspective:

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). That word find jumped out at me.

There are usually two ways you find something:

  1. You stumble upon it like you would a five dollar bill that’s laying on a sidewalk.
  2. You search for it like you search for your keys when you’re trying to leave for work.

While both are legitimate ways to find something, I couldn’t help but wonder if the second was the way I needed to approach marriage. Maybe I wasn’t finding a wife because I expected to randomly bump into her on the sidewalk when I should be actively looking for her.

Taking Action

A changed man, I did the first thing I could think of: I made a list. Since I make lists for everything else in life that I’m serious about, why not make a list of admirable girls?

Next, I picked up my phone and started calling. It was, at first, nerve-racking. I feared being rejected. But I’d also gotten to the point where I was more sick of waiting around than I was worried about whether or not a girl would reject me.

Ultimately, my list never produced – at least not in the way that I’d expected it to. All the ladies turned me down: “Oh, that’s so nice of you to ask… Actually, I’m busy that night (and every other night you want to hang out).”

Admittedly, I felt a bit discouraged. But I had gained invaluable knowledge: I learned where the dead ends were and, thus, stopped wondering and daydreaming about potential relationships. I, instead, reinvested my energies where I figured they’d yield the best results. What I learned was worth the effort.

The Payoff

But how did the list help?

Though it hadn’t produced a wife, my list was developing my character. Every time I called a girl, I strengthened my courage muscles. Active searching also prepared me for opportunities that weren’t even on my radar when I started out.

Unbeknownst to me, my dad had caught wind of an awesome girl. (Some friends from church had told him about her.) A few months earlier, I would have chickened out of meeting her. Now, however, I was a somewhat primed and willing to take a risk.

We eventually met, and, after about 15 months, got married.

My story boils down to a few gold nuggets.

Key Principles

1. Take action.

As an intuitive introvert, I tend to spend more time dreaming about the future than I spend taking action. I think, act, and then think, unlike extroverts who act, think, and then act. What I needed most was to “get out there” and do something. No amount of thinking alone could have changed my circumstances.

2. Get the car moving.

I’m an idealist. I want to know that the end will turn out picture perfect from the beginning. But that’s just not reality. Life is usually a series of pivots and course corrections on the road to a destination. It’s almost never a straight line. If you want to arrive at a destination – in this case, marriage – you have to get the car rolling, says author Jeff Goins. Then, and only then, you’ll be able to steer and course correct as necessary.

3. Don’t let negative feedback weigh you down.

Don’t let fear of rejection keep you from asking girls out. A “no” is as helpful as a “yes”. The sooner you find out who’s interested, the sooner you’ll be able to get to know her. Have an abundance mindset and remind yourself, as Michael Hyatt does, “There’s more where that came from.”

4. Opportunities will open up.

Our neighbor drives a Scion xB. I’d never seen that car before. However, now that I’m aware of it, I see it everywhere. The crazy thing about action is that it opens up opportunities. As soon as you make up your mind to go for a goal, you start seeing possibilities that you’ve never seen before, like seeing a new model of car that you’ve just become aware of. Your unconscious mind, and all your mental resources, work together on your behalf.

5. Network.

I’d likely still be single if it wasn’t for my dad and his friends. I knew a limited amount of girls. So, no matter how hard and long I worked to connect with them, my efforts could only go so far. But Dad’s friends new people I didn’t. And, in turn, their friends new still others. When my dad networked, he multiplied my chances for success.

If you want to get married, you need to take action.

What’s keeps you on the sidelines?

Bo Miller
Bo Miller
is an introvert blogger, podcaster, and teacher, who’s also a certified Myers-Briggs practitioner. He blogs at I Speak People.

Bo has taught for 7 years and holds a Masters of Arts in Education.

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Categories Relationships
Tags : marriage, socializing
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How to Talk to Your Introverted Child during a Divorce

by Guest
December 9th, 2015

how to talk to your introverted child during divorceDivorce is difficult for everyone involved, but perhaps the most affected are children. This can become a particular challenge if the child is introverted, as much of their dialogue is internal. Here are some tips for talking to your introverted child during a divorce and how you can help them through.

Understand the Introvert

An introverted child has a rich inner world. They can be very withdrawn, especially when processing information. They typically need to process on their own, in their mind. Understand this, and don’t force your child to talk things through right away. It may take them a few days to sort out their feelings and open up.

Help Them Think it through

An introverted child may prefer to think things over on their own, but may need help processing such a huge change. Ask thoughtful questions, or if they’re of reading age, perhaps write a letter. Since they will be able to read it and take their time to process what you’re saying, it gives them a chance to understand on their own terms. Introverts sometimes have difficulty being put on the spot and writing a letter may be the push they need to express things to you in return.

Take Breaks

Introverts lose energy from being around people, even their beloved parents. Don’t take offense to their need for solitude – it’s not personal, it’s biological. An introverted child can only take so much talking and interaction before they need to be alone. When you sense your child getting tired or zoning out, it’s a good time to take a break. Let them have some alone time to recharge.

Support Them Emotionally

Help your child to understand that even though you’re divorcing, your love for the child will continue. Ensure that they know you will be there for them, protect them, and care for them as much as ever. Reinforce the positives of your relationship and let me know you are available.

Keep Them Out of Conflict

Your divorce may be a messy one, but your children don’t need to know that. If they do, you don’t know just how much they’ll be thinking about it on their own. Keep things civil when talking around the kids. Don’t bad-mouth your spouse or give too much information or expectations to kids.

Focus on the Positive

Divorce doesn’t have a lot of positive elements, but your child’s future can still be bright, even if the parents aren’t together. Focus on the things that remain good in your child’s life. Remind them that you both still love them and that they still have family and friends, and any other positive aspects of your living situation or future plans.

It can be hard to know what’s going on in your introverted child’s mind, especially during a difficult situation like a divorce. To make conversations easier, understand their needs as introverts, and respect that they need time and space to process. Jill L. Coil at Coil Law recommends you also think about getting professional support whether through child counseling, or legal representation for your kids. Click here for more information. Help introverted children to understand their inner thoughts and process this confusing time, as well as assure them of your love. Both of you will make it through just fine.

Brooke Chaplan
About the Author

Brooke Chaplan is a freelance writer and blogger. She lives and works out of her home in Los Lunas, New Mexico. She loves the outdoors and spends most her time hiking, biking and gardening. For more information contact Brooke via Twitter @BrookeChaplan.

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Tags : children
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How to Be an Introverted Houseguest or Host Without Driving Each Other Crazy

by Hazel Thornton
January 16th, 2014

Benjamin Franklin wasn’t kidding when he wrote, in Poor Richard’s Almanac, “Fish and visitors smell in three days.” Especially if you are an introvert and live alone 99% of the time. Even when the guest is your best friend of forty years.

Since I moved to Albuquerque several years ago, Jane, whose idea it was to write this article, has been spending Christmas with me. I usually go to visit her in Denver in the spring or fall. When the subject of introversion came up, it was obvious to me that I was an introvert, but I had never thought about whether or not she was, too, and how that might affect our relationship. She fits all the criteria, certainly…but she also likes to talk more than I do, and never runs out of things to say. As entertaining as that can be, I am simply not used to talking or listening so much during a day, much less for several days in a row. It can distract me, and drain me of energy, especially if there is something else I need to be doing or thinking about as the host. Let me tell you how we have worked things out by understanding and accepting our introverted natures.

If you are an introverted host:

  • Remodel your garage into a guest suite. OK, that’s probably not feasible for everyone, but that’s what I did. I figure the more privacy my houseguests have, the more privacy I have too, and the more I can tolerate – er, I mean enjoy — their company. Plus this way I don’t have to share my bathroom either.
  • You don’t have to spend every minute with your guests. Really, you don’t. If they are tourists with their own car, I like to point them in the right direction and say, “Have a nice day, I can’t wait to hear all about it at dinner!”

If you are an introverted guest:

  • Don’t be shy about saying you’d rather stay in a hotel, if that’s the case. Some people are offended by that, but I’m not sure why as long as you aren’t asking them to pay for it. Make sure to tell them sincerely how much you are looking forward to spending time with them, but also make it clear that you need time alone to recharge your batteries because you are an introvert. If they look at you funny, this is your chance to educate them on the subject.

If your host is introverted:

  • Jane knows I start my day slower than she does, so she sometimes goes out to sit in the hot tub with a good book and a Diet Pepsi while I check my email, drink coffee, and wake up in silence
  • Do offer to help (e.g. in the kitchen), but don’t insist. It could be that your host is using that time alone in the kitchen to unwind in silence after a long day together.

If your guest is introverted:

  • If you can’t dedicate a whole room to your guest, consider putting up a screen in the corner of the room where they will be sleeping so that they will have a place to retreat and recharge.
  • Jane is over-stimulated by shopping malls, superstores, and crowds. So I shop for anything we might need (even if it’s just groceries) before she arrives. I ask her in advance what special things she might need and get those while I’m at it.

If you are both introverted:

  • This is when it gets easy, because you both know how the other feels.
  • No matter how early I rise, as long as we have no specific morning plans, I let Jane sleep as long as she possibly can. She’s on vacation, after all, but this also gives me time to myself. Of course, this is easier the more private your guest room is.
  • Stick to mutually desirable activities and don’t try to do too much in a day.
  • Declare an afternoon “me-time” so you can both recharge however you see fit (i.e. napping or reading). Then neither of you will be cranky at dinnertime.
  • Work out a mutually agreeable signal, or just say, “No more talking, OK?”, if you need to suspend the conversation and concentrate on something else for a few minutes (or longer).
  • One of the things we implemented long ago is something we call “The List”. The List is where we jot down topics of conversation that we don’t want to forget to address during our visit. We keep in touch between visits, of course, but some topics are best discussed in person or in depth. This way we can feel free to declare, “No more talking, OK?” without the other person worrying that we might not get to their favorite topic.

As with any relationship, every situation is different, and the key to guest/host relations is communication. You can read more of my tips for making guests feel comfortable in my blog article: Is Your Guest Room Guest Worthy?

This year Jane and I were both a little sadder to part than usual. While definitely looking forward to getting back to normal, we weren’t quite as anxious as usual to retreat to our respective homes and introverted lives. And she was here for four days!

How do you deal with having, or being, a houseguest? Let us know by leaving a comment!

Hazel Thornton is a professional organizer and genealogist based in Albuquerque, New Mexico; creator of The Clutter Flow Chart Collection; and author of Go with the Flow! The Clutter-Clearing Tool Kit for an Organized Life. Visit her online at www.org4life.com.

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Categories General, Relationships
Tags : Host, Hotel, Houseguest, travel
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We Are The Introverts [infographic]

by Chris
September 29th, 2012

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Categories Books, General, Introverts at Work, Relationships
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Lost In Extravert Land

by Chris
August 21st, 2011

Our siblings.  They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long. ~Susan Scarf Merrell

I shouldn’t keep falling for this. Mom wants a happy family and we, her four kids (um, make that adults), keep trying to pretend that we are. For the most part, that is true – we get along very well.

Except that we are three introverts and one extravert. The extravert doesn’t understand the problem. I’ve heard that extraverts never do and if I think about it, that might be true. After all, if an extravert reaches “outside” for the answers, then he would (and he does) think there’s something wrong with us. We three introverts, on the other hand, look inside ourselves and see a no-fault difference. We need a bit of quiet to energize, and our extravert sibling needs people and action to energize.

Sometimes I visit my extravert sibling for the weekend (to please Mom). Nothing goes smoothly, because we are opposites. At night, Bro tells me – and this always surprises me – about our schedule for the next morning (remember this is Saturday). I am to take my shower at 7am and he is to take his shower fifteen minutes later. Do you see how differently we perceive that? I, the introvert, want to sit quietly with a cup of coffee and eventually have a leisurely shower. Bro, on the other hand, wants to fling himself in the shower and out into the world as fast as possible. He wants to have breakfast in public, preferably at sidewalk tables, with people yammering and traffic whizzing back and forth. I’ll do it, but I really want breakfast in bed with a good book.

Speaking of reading, I’ve noticed that my extravert brother reads books the way I exercise – twenty minutes, three times a week, and thank heaven it’s over. I think the twenty minutes of solitude must be agony for him, the way that twenty minutes of a crowded gym is agony for me.

It takes me a week of re-energizing quiet time to recover from an exhausting action-packed weekend with my extravert brother.

But it makes Mom so happy.

 

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Categories General, Relationships
Tags : breakfast, family, Mom, re-energize, sibling
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Power Struggles

by Chris
August 17th, 2011

Octavia E. Butler

“All struggles are essentially power struggles. Who will rule? Who will lead? Who will define, refine, confine, design? Who will dominate? All struggles are essentially power struggles,and most are no more intellectual than two rams knocking their heads together.”
— Octavia E. Butler

How would an introvert handle a power struggle?

I’m ashamed to admit that so far, the dog is winning. How do I struggle? I walk away. A more clever introvert might walk away and make a plan. The first time I walked away, the dog bounded after me – I won. Tonight was the second time I walked away. The dog stayed at the sidewalk. When I finally caved and went to him, I saw that his leash was caught. But he’s a clever little beast and he’s done this before. The leash wasn’t caught by much – a flick of my finger dislodged it.

Is a power struggle not introvert territory, since it is by its nature an ‘outer’ event?

Or do we have power struggles in our inner depths? Yes, I believe we might. I have an on-going struggle with Mom (may she rest in peace) about how tight jeans should be. I *think* I’m wearing them my way. But I’ve gotta watch out for those subliminal messages.

Inner or outer, I delude myself that I’m in charge of me. I think.

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Categories Business Networking, General, Relationships
Tags : power, struggle, subliminal
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Conversation: 5 Small Talk Steps To Sell YOU, Build Relationships

by Guest
September 22nd, 2008

By Paul Barton

How to make conversation?

Knowing how to make conversation is critical if you want to build a relationship – a romantic relationship, a personal relationship, a social relationship or a business relationship – or if you want to help sell yourself for a job … get ahead … make a sale.

Read More→

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Social Networking: Introversion vs. Extraversion

by Janet
June 5th, 2008

As an introvert, I’ve never really been part of a large group of friends, but I have had many close friends throughout my life. Generally speaking, I have formed close relationships with people who have been part of my daily life at the time, whether it be at school, work, or another organization. Very often, once one or both of us left that common ground, we drifted apart. Now, Facebook and similar sites have allowed me to reconnect with some of those people, which I think is quite wonderful. Between former classmates and co-workers, relatives, and my current business contacts, my “friends list” has grown to over 200 in just over a year. This just boggles my mind, as it doesn’t seem that long ago that I didn’t feel I had many friends at all.

My list of 230+ friends seems insignificant, however, in comparison to the lists of some of my colleagues with online businesses. One of my contacts has over 3000 “friends” on her list, and it grows every week. As it happens, I have had business dealings with this person, but I’ve also received friend requests from people I’ve never heard of. Sometimes they include a note to explain why they want to connect with me, but often they don’t even do that. When I check, these people usually have 800 or more “friends” already. To me this type of activity has about as much value as attending a large networking event and running around and exchanging business cards with as many people as possible, hoping that sometime, somewhere, something may come of it. I find it much more valuable to take the time to get to know a few people well enough that I will feel comfortable sending referrals their way, and hopefully they may do the same for me.

Which brings me to the question – is this amassing of “friends” an extraverted thing? Or am I missing something?

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We explore and celebrate introversion as a healthy personality type, defined by C.G. Jung and later by the Myers Briggs MBTI type indicator. Click on About and FAQ to learn more about this type. See if it fits you or someone you know. Add your comments to our posts, or join us in online or email discussion with other introverts.

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