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Seek and You Will Find (A Wife)

by Guest
July 24th, 2017

happy couple

A few years ago, I felt as though I’d never get married. I assumed my future wife and I would meet as we were going about our business. But no such meeting ever took place.

Then, I read something that radically changed my perspective:

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). That word find jumped out at me.

There are usually two ways you find something:

  1. You stumble upon it like you would a five dollar bill that’s laying on a sidewalk.
  2. You search for it like you search for your keys when you’re trying to leave for work.

While both are legitimate ways to find something, I couldn’t help but wonder if the second was the way I needed to approach marriage. Maybe I wasn’t finding a wife because I expected to randomly bump into her on the sidewalk when I should be actively looking for her.

Taking Action

A changed man, I did the first thing I could think of: I made a list. Since I make lists for everything else in life that I’m serious about, why not make a list of admirable girls?

Next, I picked up my phone and started calling. It was, at first, nerve-racking. I feared being rejected. But I’d also gotten to the point where I was more sick of waiting around than I was worried about whether or not a girl would reject me.

Ultimately, my list never produced – at least not in the way that I’d expected it to. All the ladies turned me down: “Oh, that’s so nice of you to ask… Actually, I’m busy that night (and every other night you want to hang out).”

Admittedly, I felt a bit discouraged. But I had gained invaluable knowledge: I learned where the dead ends were and, thus, stopped wondering and daydreaming about potential relationships. I, instead, reinvested my energies where I figured they’d yield the best results. What I learned was worth the effort.

The Payoff

But how did the list help?

Though it hadn’t produced a wife, my list was developing my character. Every time I called a girl, I strengthened my courage muscles. Active searching also prepared me for opportunities that weren’t even on my radar when I started out.

Unbeknownst to me, my dad had caught wind of an awesome girl. (Some friends from church had told him about her.) A few months earlier, I would have chickened out of meeting her. Now, however, I was a somewhat primed and willing to take a risk.

We eventually met, and, after about 15 months, got married.

My story boils down to a few gold nuggets.

Key Principles

1. Take action.

As an intuitive introvert, I tend to spend more time dreaming about the future than I spend taking action. I think, act, and then think, unlike extroverts who act, think, and then act. What I needed most was to “get out there” and do something. No amount of thinking alone could have changed my circumstances.

2. Get the car moving.

I’m an idealist. I want to know that the end will turn out picture perfect from the beginning. But that’s just not reality. Life is usually a series of pivots and course corrections on the road to a destination. It’s almost never a straight line. If you want to arrive at a destination – in this case, marriage – you have to get the car rolling, says author Jeff Goins. Then, and only then, you’ll be able to steer and course correct as necessary.

3. Don’t let negative feedback weigh you down.

Don’t let fear of rejection keep you from asking girls out. A “no” is as helpful as a “yes”. The sooner you find out who’s interested, the sooner you’ll be able to get to know her. Have an abundance mindset and remind yourself, as Michael Hyatt does, “There’s more where that came from.”

4. Opportunities will open up.

Our neighbor drives a Scion xB. I’d never seen that car before. However, now that I’m aware of it, I see it everywhere. The crazy thing about action is that it opens up opportunities. As soon as you make up your mind to go for a goal, you start seeing possibilities that you’ve never seen before, like seeing a new model of car that you’ve just become aware of. Your unconscious mind, and all your mental resources, work together on your behalf.

5. Network.

I’d likely still be single if it wasn’t for my dad and his friends. I knew a limited amount of girls. So, no matter how hard and long I worked to connect with them, my efforts could only go so far. But Dad’s friends new people I didn’t. And, in turn, their friends new still others. When my dad networked, he multiplied my chances for success.

If you want to get married, you need to take action.

What’s keeps you on the sidelines?

Bo Miller
Bo Miller
is an introvert blogger, podcaster, and teacher, who’s also a certified Myers-Briggs practitioner. He blogs at I Speak People.

Bo has taught for 7 years and holds a Masters of Arts in Education.

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Categories Relationships
Tags : marriage, socializing
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4 Myths About Introverts

by Guest
November 14th, 2016

People often think of introverts as socially awkward people who tend to stay by themselves and avoid other people. While people may not think of an introvert as being an extremely happy or friendly person, they are probably assumed to be smarter and more creative than extroverts. Despite its frequency among people, introversion is one of the most misunderstood personality traits. Here are some debunked myths about introverts.

1) All introverts are shy.

Shyness may be confused with introversion, but they are very different from each other. While introversion is defined as gaining energy by spending time alone, shyness refers to a discomfort and sense of anxiety in social situations. Introverts are commonly confident around people, but just require more solitude to create a balance in their energy.

shy

Certainly some introverts are shy, but not a disproportionately high percentage. Conversely, some extroverts may lack confidence or display a shy personality, making it difficult for them to seek the interaction they so desperately need.

2) Introverts do not like people.

friends

Although introverts enjoy solitude, that does not mean they are antisocial. They simply enjoy social interaction differently than extroverts. Many introverts enjoy the company of other people, but they usually look for quality over quantity when it comes to relationships, choosing a small circle of intimate friends.

3) Introverts are negative.

Introverts are often thought of as being negative or depressed, due to their attraction to being alone. This myth may come from the fact that in contrast, extroverts gain energy from social interaction, and may become sad when they are alone.

alone

Alternatively, many introverts don’t associate solitude with loneliness. However, although introverts are not necessarily more likely to be depressed, they do spend more time analyzing situations, which may lead to rumination, and possibly depression. Psychology Today has this article on social thresholds and how introverts and extroverts respond to excess of opposite energy stimuli.

4) It is easy to spot an introvert.

Many introverts love talking to people, but they also look forward to restoring their energy by being alone. Because our culture rewards extroverted personality traits, introverts often behave like an extrovert when in social situations.

It is important to remember that some introverts enjoy people and socializing. While this may be done in a different way than extroverts, don’t assume your introverted friends don’t want to be included. If you are an introvert, you may be used to feeling like you are misunderstood by other people and having your tendencies misinterpreted for rudeness or shyness. Additionally, if you are an extrovert, you probably have a few misconceptions about people who tend to be more quiet.

Rachael Murphey is an entrepreneur in Denver CO and a writer on social science, family finance, and leadership. She has written for HostReview.com, Spider Vein Removal Austin, Doable Finance, and HR.com.

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Categories General
Tags : introversion, shyness, socializing, stereotypes
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What is Your Socializing Sweet Spot?

by Hazel Thornton
September 5th, 2015

Socializing Sweet SpotWhen introversion became a thing – when Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Won’t Stop Talking was published, and the internet started filling up with memes like “Introverts Unite… Separately… In Your Own Homes” — I felt a sense of relief. The modern definition of introversion as someone who simply needs to be alone to recharge one’s batteries fit me to a T. I no longer felt apologetic about wanting to leave a party early. Others, too, were coming out of the introvert closet.

Then I had a crappy year. The details are not important here — I’m not claiming mine was worse than yours… who knows? – but I found myself withdrawing even more than usual. I worked less with clients, networked less, and socialized less. Eventually I realized I wanted to do more virtual organizing than hands-on organizing, and took steps to make that happen, which was fantastic except for the part where I was slowly becoming a hermit.

My friend, and occasional houseguest, Jane, is a writer. She writes novels. She also has been an art teacher, worked with preschool kids, and done any number of bohemian part-time jobs to supplement her income. But she’s always been a writer. I, on the other hand, was an engineer at the phone company for 20 years prior to my 10-year stint as a hands-on professional organizer. It’s only been recently that we’ve realized I’m a writer too! I write blog articles and informational products, social media posts and website copy, e-books and action plans, meeting minutes, procedures, checklists, emails, and newsletters. This is becoming more apparent the less time I spend in person with clients and the more time I spend alone at my computer.

And what do writers stereotypically do? They keep to themselves and they write. They often neglect themselves and others in the process. Now, as you know, introverts usually enjoy being with others, for a little while at least. Being a hermit is no more a necessary characteristic of introversion than shyness is. So I’ve realized I need to get out more and spend more time with others. Since I have less time with others built into my routine now, I know I need to build some back in. And it’s not going to happen by itself.

I should probably mention that I live alone and love it. I see my aunt (and the other library volunteers) weekly; and my dad, brother, and I have a standing weekly breakfast date. Monthly activities include book club, a meeting of my fabulous professional organizing colleagues, and a business networking luncheon which I can’t just blow off because I have a job to do when I get there – one that forces me to talk to at least a few newcomers each time – which is to take photos of the event and post them on Facebook. I also cashier at the library used book sale once a month.

So that’s 12 out of 30 days where I spend time with others for a few hours (which is plenty) on a predictable basis. And 18 days where I don’t. Sure there’s the occasional spontaneous lunch date, get-together, or activity, but I think I need a little more.

So what’s my plan? I think the solution for me is to schedule at least one breakfast, lunch, or dinner date per week with a friend (rotating among several candidates). This is easier to work into my current working from home schedule than it was during a day of three-hour in-person appointments that I had to drive across town to get to. And I need to find an exercise class or physical activity that involves other people. I think those two things would get me back into my sweet spot.

What about you? What is your socializing sweet spot?

Are you getting just the right amount of me-time? Too much? Not enough?

And what are you planning to do about it?

Please share with us in the comments below!

Hazel Thornton is a professional organizer and genealogist based in Albuquerque, New Mexico; creator of The Clutter Flow Chart Collection; and author of Go with the Flow! The Clutter-Clearing Tool Kit for an Organized Life. Visit her online at www.org4life.com.

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Categories General
Tags : hermit, scheduling, socializing, stereotypes
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Are You an Impractical Introvert?

by Guest
March 31st, 2014
snail

Photo © Dalia Drulia / sxc.hu

Imagine yourself as a beautiful, elegant…snail. Snails cannot leave their shells permanently, as shells are a part of their body. As a snail grows, its shell does too. The shell offers protection from predators and elements, however the snail must poke its head out often enough to get around in the world.

Don’t worry. This isn’t going to be a “come out of your shell” post. That’s an extrovert’s way of misinterpreting introversion as an affliction. But have you ever felt that your introversion holds you back at times? Has it ever been so drastic that it kept you from accomplishments?

There is one major thing that is going to get you through life successfully as an introvert and that’s discomfort tolerance. You’re going to be uncomfortable at times, and let’s face it: sometimes hiding from a tumultuous world can be addicting.

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.” -John Mulaney, comedian

Introversion and Extroversion are not traits like a person’s race or sex. Its more like a scale. You can move up and down the scale, but you are anchored to a particular range. You can’t change what you are, but you can become better at being what you are.

Being extremely introverted or extroverted wouldn’t be very healthy or practical. Mega extroverts wouldn’t think before they speak, wouldn’t be able to tolerate themselves alone, and would be basically dependent on others for their entire being. Extreme introversion (as you may have noticed at times in your life) can mean missing out, not seeking enough support, and having irrational fears surrounding people. This is Impractical Introversion. It gets in your way.

As introverts we should not be trying to make ourselves into extroverts. However we can always push ourselves a little further towards the middle of the scale in order to reap more of the benefits of socialization.

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” -Aldous Huxley

Impractical introversion is not just enjoying your private time. It’s when you go above and beyond to stay in your safe zone, even when it’s to your detriment. It’s extreme dread of social situations, even when they are minor or casual.

Not sure if you are being an impractical introvert? Here are some possible side effects:

• You’re not as far along in your career as you could be
• You don’t date or haven’t dated in ages because its just too much hassle
• Strangers’ eye contact agitates you, especially in the morning (WHAT DO THESE $&!$ING PEOPLE WANT!?!?!)
• You avoid plans with even your closest friends and acquaintances you never see
• You’ve been avoiding a certain conversation with your boss or spouse for months
• You spend most of your free time either lost in thought or with your pets (you speak Meow more than English)

Yikes. You get the idea. Introversion is not synonymous with shyness or low self-esteem, although they do coincide far more often than with extroversion. Unfortunately with that could come anxiety, depression, and before you know it you’re convinced you are a few cards short of a deck.

So the important take away is to not let your introversion get carried away. If you find yourself in frequent seclusion or habitually experiencing social anxiety, you need to balance your scale.

You don’t need to “come out of your shell.” Just thrive in it, master it, and poke your head out whenever it makes sense.

Brianna JohnsonBrianna graduated with a BA in Sociology and is successfully unemployed while working on her first novel. She also began The Absurdist Chronicles, a blog for social commentary and general antics.

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Categories General, Social Anxiety & Shyness
Tags : comfort zone, socializing
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We explore and celebrate introversion as a healthy personality type, defined by C.G. Jung and later by the Myers Briggs MBTI type indicator. Click on About and FAQ to learn more about this type. See if it fits you or someone you know. Add your comments to our posts, or join us in online or email discussion with other introverts.

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